Time to Sleep: I Remember the Boy, But Not The Feeling

Hello, guys! I am posting this a bit late. The reason for that being is I came home kind of late from work because I met a friend for the very first time this morning. This friend and I (let's just call him CJ) have been friends for almost 2 years now. We don't live that far apart, actually he even has a house here in my hometown, but we have never met before and the only communication we had was thru sending text messages, instant messenging, and phone calls.

We have been planning to meet for a very long time but because of some reason and the other, it keeps being postponed. I must admit, my insecurity was a big part of it. I was afraid that he will reject me after he sees me. I have another thing to confess: I was hoping that this guy will fall in love with me. CJ and I met thru a texting clan (its very popular here in the Philippines, we are a country of text addicts) and during that time, he still had a buddy. (CJ is bisexual). I sort of had a crush on him because not only that he has the qualities that I admire in a guy (or so I thought), he seemed so in love with his ex-buddy and I wanted that love for myself. Until now, so many months after their break-up, he still mentions his ex-buddy. Even though he denies it, I know he still has feelings for his ex.

I guess I am a bit of a masochist; although he made it clear (not directly but you get the idea) that all I am to him was a friend and nothing else, that didn't stop me in carrying a torch for him. That didn't stop me from getting jealous when he meets someone else (I was crazy, I know) and then being extra sweet to CJ. I don't know what it is with me, its like when I see this guy who is attached to someone, you sort of like want this guy for yourself. Its like I have the homewrecker syndrome or something.

Actually, CJ just broke up with a girlfriend and after I knew about it, I again felt the hope that he will finally see me for who I wanted to be, his next buddy. But he found another guy, I must admit this guy is much cuter than I could ever hope to be and probably more outgoing, smart, discreet, etc. So I could do nothing, I just pretended it was okay and that it was absolutely nothing to me that he found this guy. Though he and this guy have not met yet, they met like us electronically, thru the internet and they only send text messages and exchange phone calls. But the difference is that CJ fell in love with this guy, he didn't even look at me that way even once. As I have said, we have known each other for a long time, this guy he only knew for like less than 2 months. Sigh.

So finally the time came for us to meet and that's where my healing started. I found out that the guy I fell for was only an illusion. He was not what I wanted in a boyfriend. Its not just physical or anything, but there was just no spark. Oh, he was nice and all, but I don't feel that tingle, that feeling that I am attracted to him. I was really glad that I finally decided to meet him, now I can start treating him just as a friend. :-) He is probably relieved too, I think he already has an idea of how I felt for him before and now, that I have seen the light, we could just be what he wanted us to be: bestfriends.

Okay, this is already quite long. Thanks for not falling asleep, hehehehe. I am just quite happy that little by little, I am starting to mature. At my age sometimes, I still think like I am 16 years old.

Take care and enjoy!

Charmedwishes...

Blessed be!